You just did.
This is the story of mine, as any other unrequited love story, which was kinda painful, but beautiful at the same time
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I must confess, that unrequited love is the worst. You spend the night wondering, are you gonna be able to tell your truest feeling to that person. Wondering if you’re able to claim their smile. Wondering if that person having the same feeling as yours. Staying up late just to make sure that you don’t waste any minute of talking with them trough your phone.
Wondering if you must confess.
But then you’re affraid of any possibilities. If you keep going without ever confessing, you’re affraid that you’ll hurt more than before. If you decide to confess, you’re affraid that things will never be the same anymore; the times you had with them, the continuous chit-chats, the affection as friend.
Well..
He’s the perfect definition of what Taylor said in her song, “He’s so tall, and handsome like hell. He’s so bad but he does it so well.” If I ever have a chance to hug him, maybe that’ll be the most comfortable hug I ever had because I can rest my head in his chest. His voice was familiar sound for me, I always loved the way he sounds: deep yet calming. He had a gorgeous smile, it suited him a lot.
Wait until you heard him singing. That was the time I realized that, I was enchanted to him. I loved him. I just did.
But this is not some kind of, happy ending story.
Our first meeting was no special. Yet I did realize that, he’s gonna be dangerous, for sure. I don’t know how many girls were attracted by his smile and gentleness, but I know it wasn’t impossible to say: a lot. Right after I saw him, I reminded myself to be careful and not falling into him.
But I just did.
It was hard to explain about how we start our conversation. Not realizing anything til I reached the moment of silence and asking, why would I doing this late night talk? Since when does his messages are worth to be waited? Since when do I have this uneasy and nervous feeling everytime I type my phone to reply him?
Crap, I think. Is this the feeling of liking someone? No, more like, loving someone.
I like the way I can’t keep my focus. I watch you talk, you didn’t notice. I hear the words but all I can think is we should be together
Well, this is off topic but believe me, that Taylor Swift’s lyrics above are very relevant to me. At least that’s when I met him. At first it was normal, I thought it’d only be a meeting that I would not record as a meaningful memory. But the more I pay attention to how he talks, how he smiles, how he responded me with his silly jokes, suddenly I think, is it possible if we can be together?
Is it chill that he’s in my head?
The next phase when you fall in love is, your head is always filled with that certain person. Don’t forget about overthinking that’ll attack you at any kind of hours. This overthinking may contain optimistic things, or it might not. I was so happy about our simple meeting, just buying a glass of coffee for us to enjoy. Thus I felt, this must be repeated. I tried so hard to keep our chit-chats going, no matter how busy I was and how tired I was. It’s an ambitious and optimistic feeling.
Isn’t that what is called addicted?
Instantly you like the idea of their existence. As the time flies, my feelings became biased. Is it true that I really am in love with him completely, or I just like the idea of his presence that managed to decrease my loneliness? However, the choice to not care becomes possible, yes?
Yes, I chose not to care. I just did. I just like him, love him, that’s all.
But, still, something happens in my mind. Does this feeling need approval from him? This moment appears when there’s a gap between reality and expectation (Now I sound like a constructivist). In my case, the gap is age. For some people, this might be a silly obstacle and even, it should no longer be an essence to be considered an obstacle. Not as bad as, religion, maybe? I’m not in the mood to be judged right now, because I need to be honest with myself. For a moment, I felt unworthy, I felt that I was restraining his joyful youth; this feeling shouldn’t be exist in the first place.
Sometimes when you see the person you like, you’re in deep thinking about future. Even for a slight moment, you want to have a promising future with them. You want to have a picturesque dates, you want to meet their parents, you want to be the person receiving a bite of their birthday’s cake, you want to make it into the wedding. You want to make it into happy ending. But you can’t. Or maybe you can, but the situation is too risky and while society, indirectly, intimidate you to stop continue those wishful thoughts.
After several weeks of knowing him, without my approval, I love him. After I get used to his silly chats, his silly jokes, his existence, my subconscious chose to love him, and it reflected on my behaviour towards him. I didn’t even need to find out what the strengths of this person are in deciding to love him. I just need to see his smile, look at his eyes, and hear his voice. Isn’t love truly blind and blinding? How can we possibly love only at first sight? My feelings, my love, they bloomed..
Surely, love is unpredictable. You can actually decide whether you gonna love a person or not; but the sparks of liking and be enchanted to someone are something which possible to appear to anyone, anywhere, in any kind of time and any kind of situation. I was anticipated about this, I knew all along that I could be in trouble if I ever have a feeling to him (It’s hard to explain the trouble I might have in the future if I confess to him).
I just did.
Still, I couldn’t tell anyone. I want to keep it by myself, I want to share many memories with him just to prepare myself for a goodbye. I mean, at least, I have tons of memories that I can recall someday if we really are not meant to be together. And that ‘someday’ could be today.
Until my closest friend actually said, “Your eyes always sparkling when we’re talking about him.. or maybe is just my feeling?”. See?? I couldn’t help it, my body reacted by itself. She was the first person I ever told about this issue.
Do you also have this feeling? You affraid if you somehow ruining your friendship with them if they ever know about your feeling to them. I admit, not all love story could be as great as Hinata, who finally confessed to her crush while protecting him, and eventually become his wife. Some of us might just ended like Kanae in “5cm per second”.
In 1999, Takaki is now in the third year of senior high in Tanegashima, where the Tanegashima Space Center is located. Kanae Sumida, a classmate of Takaki, has been in love with him ever since meeting him in middle school but has never had the courage to confess her feelings. She tries to spend time with him, waiting long after school for the chance to travel home together. However, Takaki appears ignorant to Kanae’s feelings and only treats her as a good friend. Kanae observes that Takaki is always writing emails to someone or staring off into the distance as if searching for something far away. It is later shown that Takaki’s emails are not being sent to anyone, and that he has had recurring dreams which feature Akari. After a failed attempt to tell Takaki she loves him, Kanae eventually realizes that he is looking for something far beyond what she can offer and decides not to, though she believes she will always love him. With such thoughts, she cries herself to sleep.
Maybe I didn’t mean to fall in love. I never meant for it to mean this much. So I would just gonna let him live his life. My decision to love him didn’t mean that I was declaring that he must be mine. Yet I believe that my feeling was true. Was pure. Was sincere, that I let him go. That I really on my knees, praying for him to be okay, wishing God to give him all the best things He prepared for him.
It’s sound cheesy and cliche but, seeing him happy is all that matter for me. I was happy too before I met him. Maybe I could find my own; whether it’s him or anyone else.
Please, whoever you are, who currently reading this words, do not ever waste a chance to make a beautiful memories with the one you like, the one you love. Do not ever waste a chance to tell them your true feeling. Don’t let your heart driving you and your decision completely. You must decide whether you should continue to love that person, or you need to hold back your feelings to prevent your feeling to bloom; before it’s too big to handle. You are the one who know, are you really love that person sincerely or you just use them as your diversion from loneliness. You should love when you are ready. Don’t use hatred to reduce and eliminate the feelings of your love that already exist. Let the idea of their existence is kept for you only; for your own memory. Love can be gone, when you are no longer used to them.
Yes, getting used to is the key.
Damn it. Even until now, I curious of how it feels to be hugged by him. I’d like to tell him that age is just number but, I can’t be that self-centered. This time, I have to fight to get used of his non-existence, since I still got this one regretful feeling: I should’ve told him that I love him.
Maybe someday, but not tonight.
(P.S: the date of the picture isn’t relate to this story. I just wanna show the anxiety of not brave enough to tell your feeling is like watching a cloudy weather from inside of your dark room. You want to go outside yet affraid of the heavy rain)
